Die Hard:

Throughout your corporate career you will still be considered virgin until your first experience trapped in an elevator. "Don't Panic!" as the HitchHiker's guide says. Your chances of survival are relatively high. Most elevators are equipped with safety brakes and in some cases another fail safe.

[ That's at least what i told myself as i was slowly falling from the 25th floor held by an emergency brake which would intermittently brake and release every few feet. The result was something similar to the Las Vegas ride that has you on top of a building and drops the floor from under your feet. ]

Most virgins would puke from the jostling of the elevator every 3ft until you reach ground level. This is a mistake. Avoid at all costs. You do not want to arrive at ground level with tears in your eyes and covered in puke around other unsuspecting office worker leaving home. This would provide fodder for the rest of your employment. So be warned newbies. If you work in a tower this will happen to you.

cube report--- Finally taking down my Big lots 4ft strand LED lights that span the left corner of my cube. The pin lights of the LED are visible from 5-8ft away so i'm not sure anyone will know that i took them down. Or even put them up this year for that matter.

Sharks with Friggin Lazerbeams

Corporate life can be an adjustment if you're coming in from the non profit sector or from academia. The hustle and bustle from the machine's well oiled workers does not have room for creative thinking or gadabout-ing. Philosophers and dreamers be warned.

Here are some helpful tips to transition into your new environment.

1. show up at least an hour or two early---this allows you to be alone in the office to enjoy your outside hobbies such as sculpture or origami.

2. Always hand deliver a document instead of email. ---throughout the lifetime or your employment this could save you a decade of actually working

3. Bring your iphone to bathroom breaks ---there's nothing better than catching your favorite episode of jersey shore in the privacy of your own stall

4.protect your stuff! Staplers do get stolen (or in my case my chair). Booby traps and pitfalls are best but i like the old fashion hidden surveillance.

Cube Report--- Friggin cold! why don't cubes have roofs!? Do buildings even HAVE insulation?

Year End Review....How To Survive

There's always something a little nerve wrecking about mid year review time for most people. "Did I actually do anything this year", is a common question.

When going to a year end review do your home work and prepare. The key to defend 365 days of web surfing and amazon shopping is to be creative and show value to the company. Turn the tables on them and act like your presence with the company is what creates money for them.

I find it best to pad my review by adding tasks that most of us would call trivial and blow them out of proportion. "Well, I did create a folder and rename it!" I'll just bill that as a research and development project investigating efficiencies in our data structure. Using this method it's very easy to make yourself appear as the most essential part of the organization and the thought of you not getting a raise could crash the entire financial model the company is based on. Btw this blog.....billed as advertising and branding of the company.

Cube Report---Clear skies and chance of early ditching